


The Woman In His Heart

by spookyawards_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, Episode: s02e07 3, F/M, Romance, Vignette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-02-21
Updated: 2005-02-21
Packaged: 2019-04-28 04:34:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14441493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spookyawards_archivist/pseuds/spookyawards_archivist
Summary: Sometimes discovery is painful.





	The Woman In His Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Spooky Awards](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Spooky_Awards), and was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2018. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact me using the e-mail address on [SpookyAwards' collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/spookyawards/profile).

TITLE: The Woman In His Heart.   
AUTHOR: Spangle  
**CATEGORY: MSR**  
RATING: Caution Required (For strong language and sexual references.) DISCLAIMER: These characters aren't mine, but use them or lose them I say!  
SPOILERS: Three  
SUMMARY: Sometimes discovery is very painful. AUTHORS NOTES: I always hated this episode, until I recently re-watched it and realized I had been wrong about it. I guess I was a shipper even way back then, and the thought of Mulder, well you know, with someone other than Scully made me slightly ill. Then I thought, what if this incident was what it took for him to see what Scully really meant to him? What if even her abduction hadn't done that, and what I had always seen as a sort of betrayal was necessary to the process? Anyway, I digress. I'm just trying to make "Three" work for me. :)   
DEDICATED TO: An author's best friend - her beta. In my case, the ever-obliging, miracle-working Sallie, who never refuses to help, makes fantastic suggestions and is a source of endless encouragement. I am truly grateful for her time and for her friendship. She's a gem. Oh, and she came up with the title, too - which I love! FEEDBACK: Is always welcomed. 

The Woman in his Heart.  
by Spangle 

He caught the red-eye back to D.C from L.A that night, once the final paperwork had been completed. In all, he'd been in the city of angels for slightly under 72 hours, and he'd slept for maybe five of them. What he'd told the L.A detective was true; he didn't sleep any more. He worked, and he worried, and he worked some more. He stayed up like this, several days at a time, until his body could no longer function, then he'd finally fall into a dreamless sleep for too few hours. He'd awaken with a start, back in the waking nightmare that his life had become since Scully's abduction. 

Truth be told, he was beyond exhausted at this point, and close to physical collapse. Glancing around the dim aircraft cabin, it appeared he was the only person awake. Mulder envied the peaceful countenances of his fellow travelers--normal, everyday people, leading ordinary lives. He would bet money that none of them knew how blessed they really were. 

Mulder could barely remember what normal felt like, but he still missed it. He missed Scully, and it was only because of the events of the last three days, that he'd come to realize just how much. 

Mulder leaned his head against the bulkhead, and stared sightlessly out into the night. Losing Scully had turned out to be something much worse than he'd first thought. The day she'd gone missing he'd certainly been scared for her, and frantic to find her, but he hadn't been scared for himself at that time. Her loss it was a terrible blow, both professionally and personally, but he had lost friends before and moved on. Grieved yes, even felt responsible in part for what had happened to them, but he'd gone on. 

But this...what he was feeling now, what he'd learned about himself, and his relationship with Scully, this was different. Mulder was scared for both of them now. Afraid for her, wherever she was--whatever was happening to her could not be good. This he knew without a doubt. And afraid for himself, afraid he didn't have the ability to move on with his life. 

Not that he was giving up on her; he would never give up on her. They'd have to lay her remains at his feet, prove to him that she was beyond his reach forever, before he would let go of his determination to find her. But he was terrified that he'd literally fall apart if he had to do this much longer. 

What had happened in Los Angeles, meeting Kristen, and especially sleeping with her, had made something apparent to Mulder that he simply hadn't known until then. 

Scully wasn't just his friend; she wasn't just his partner. As crazy as he felt for allowing it to happen, Mulder knew he loved her now. Loved her in a way that came from someplace so far inside him he hadn't understood it until today. Loved her with passion, with honesty, with everything that he was and more. It came from his heart, his mind, his soul, his belly; it encompassed all he was and it meant everything to him. It was terrifying, and he almost hated it. 

Mulder closed his eyes and let the memory of what had happened in L.A wash over him. 

The moment his lips touched Kristen's it was beyond his ability to stop himself. Her kiss burned, and he felt the flames of his own desire consume him immediately. It had been so long since he touched another person like that, since Diana left in fact. 

It felt as good as he remembered...better actually. 

Somehow they had fumbled their way into Kristen's bedroom, hungry mouths never leaving each other, yet eyes not really looking at one another. Each of them desperate for the act, the pleasure it would bring, the temporary escape it promised. Human skin on human skin, the warmth and comfort of being this close to another. She was beautiful, and damaged, so much like him in some ways, and she wanted him. He had no defense against her desire, not at that moment, and up until the time he entered her he had felt free to do it. 

His freedom was fleeting. 

It was Kristen Kilar, a virtual stranger, he'd fucked yesterday in her bedroom, and yet she wasn't the woman behind his closed eyes. When he thought back on it now, it wasn't Kristen he had slept with in that bed; it was Scully. 

Dana Scully, a woman he didn't even know he desired, until the act of having sex with someone else, became about her. And the passion he felt for her stunned him, scared him to within an inch of his life. He couldn't, he couldn't feel this way about anyone...he couldn't afford to. He had nothing to offer and far too much to do. 

But love her he did. Beneath his driving body, Kristen had been the one responding to him, the one pulling him in deeper, urging him to take her harder. But when he looked at her, her face became Scully's, her dark hair changed to copper fire, her brown eyes became blue. 

Pale flawless skin, became dusted with freckles, and Scully's beguiling smile shone up at him. The woman in his arms had gone from beautiful but dark, to simply luminous, and he had been captivated. 

When Mulder watched her come, it had turned him on beyond his ability to describe. His own orgasm had been satisfying in a way he had never experienced before. For one brief moment, he felt whole. 

But now, now he felt...broken. 

Scully was lost to him. He was no closer to recovering her now, than he had been on Skyland mountain. Worse still, now it was no longer his partner that was missing, no longer just his friend he'd lost. It was someone he honestly believed he could not live without. How could he go on without his soul? Why would he want to? 

Mulder sighed heavily. How could he have betrayed Scully like that? 'Oh come on' one half of him said. 'I didn't know I loved her...I swear I didn't know!' 

'You should have known; you should have realized,' his heart demanded. 'Did you think you could keep everyone out forever?' 

He still felt like it had been Scully he'd made love to. When he remembered it, when he relived it, it was her, it really was. But in reality, he had had unprotected sex with a total stranger; he'd been enjoying himself, while the woman he loved... 

Mulder couldn't complete the thought; it hurt too much. Fingering her cross once more, he shut his eyes and tried for the remainder of the flight to turn his mind off. If he was aware of the fact that every now and then a tear escaped the corners of his eyes, he didn't show it. 

A few rows back however, someone did take note of it, and when the plane finally touched down in D.C. that someone made a call from the terminal. His call was brief, he spoke only two words before hanging up, but those two words made the smoking man in his apartment smile slowly. 

"It's working." 

Fin.   
  


#### If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Spangle


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